The Social Jiu-Jitsu of Ben Franklin & The Stoics

The weirdest way to turn enemies into friends

You bare your throat and drop to your knees before the aggressor, waiting for the blow to fall.

But it doesn't. No blade seeks your neck and no furious words berate you.

Instead, a hand drops on your shoulder while another pulls you to your feet.

This is among the strangest truths: Many enemies are better tamed by seeking their help rather than a truce. Those jealous of your excellence are best befriended by implying their superiority rather than leaving open the possibility of yours.

The Psychology of Taming Enemies

Human biases are strange things, and usually destructive.

But if we understand them they might be used to create better outcomes for everyone. One bias is paramount when it comes to taming enemies.

Consistency Bias: We become self-justifying machines to escape the sting of cognitive dissonance. We’ll invent reasons why it’s reasonable to have acted as we have. We wouldn’t help a bad person, so if we’re helping them, they must be at least ok. The sting of cognitive dissonance is too painful otherwise.

Ben Franklin utilized this bias to befriend an enemy centuries ago. In his autobiography, he wrote: “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged."

Faced with a Pennsylvanian politician who hated him and worked against his goals in the legislature, Franklin took a surprising approach:

“Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return'd it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.”

My Tamed Enemy:

I’ve successfully used this strategy twice.

The biggest turnaround was convincing someone from the partner acrobatics community — who’d previously told others I was a horrible person for reasons that never made sense — that I was actually an ok guy.

My initial attempts at a truce failed. I spoke to him directly, trying to convince him that I was innocent of his accusations. It went nowhere.

My breakthrough was coming up with two asks that would have been hard for him to turn down. First, I asked for his opinion on the best way to execute a particular acrobatic skill. After I’d done this several times, I asked for his help in spotting said moves.

I assume he originally found me threatening, maybe even subconsciously. But once I implied his superior skill and wisdom by asking for his help — and consistency bias drove him to change his opinion — it made no sense for him to dislike me. He had to drop his opposition. I’ve had no further problems with him, and still periodically ask for his opinions and spots.

Of Talk, Kindness, and Virtue

This strategy is inextricably tied to the conversational bearing of your throat by admitting weaknesses, which feels scary. But are we there to win the conversation, or to understand, improve, and build rapport? If the later, there needs to be a kind of de-escalation of tension, and admitting your flaws and struggles can do this.

I’ve written about my only romantic superpower before, and think that kind of talk can be brought into conflicts with great results. It’s about granting a person worth and becoming less threatening while also keeping ourselves humble.

My Only Romantic Superpower

The ancient Stoics thought virtue demanded or at least suggested approaches like this.

“If someone reports to you that a certain person is speaking ill of you, don’t defend yourself against what has been said, but reply instead, ‘Ah yes, he was plainly unaware of all my other faults, or else those wouldn’t have been the only ones that he mentioned.” — Epictetus, Enchiridion, 33.9

Seneca reported a similar effective strategy:

“Vatinius, a man born for both laughter and hatred, was a charming and witty joker. He said a great many things at the expense of his own feet and his scarred neck. This is how he avoided being made fun of by his enemies, who were as numerous as his deformities, and especially by Cicero. — Seneca, On the Constancy of the Wise Man, 17.3

This is also a good strategy against bullies, as Lenore Skenazy has discussed.

Smashing your fist into a bully’s teeth may teach the bully caution, but it’s also likely to buy you an enemy — and maybe a cadre of enemies — for life. Why not take the potentially more lucrative path of gaining them as a friend?

Airing weaknesses is one reason why I admit my flaws here, such as my struggles with overeating. It keeps me humble and keeps others feeling superior, which is a good place to operate from. Asking opponents for advice just takes this idea to the next level.

What Does Courage And Justice Look Like?

Since I prefer aligning myself with virtue, I ask — what does justice and courage look like when faced with hatred?

I might justifiably go on the offensive against enemies who’ve wronged and slandered me. It’s certainly tempting to do so, given their unreasonableness.

But when I consider that they’re — like all of us so often are – tied up in bias and delusion, I conclude that it’s unjust to attack them with words or actions unless I’ve no other option. If there’s a way more likely to create harmony without sacrificing virtue, I should take it.

Ranking responses from least to most courageous and just:

1. Go on the offensive against my enemy

2. Remain silent and accept the blows — “aquilla muscat non capit,” as the Romans said.

3. Bear my throat and my weaknesses in the hope of gaining a friend or burying the hatchet.

The last is the scariest, the most vulnerable, and the bravest. If you misjudge your enemy, you may regret it.

But whether you’re up for the risk or not, there’s something else that takes priority, as Marcus Aurelius mused over 1,800 years ago:

“Someone will disdain me? That is his concern. My concern is that I not be found doing or saying anything worthy of disdain.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.13

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