People who struggle with gratitude make the same mistake

Mementō Fīnem

Feeling grateful isn’t always easy.

For years I suspected something was wrong with me because I only occasionally felt emotional gratitude (as opposed to the intellectual gratitude drilled into me as a child) for the wonderful people and things in my life.

I could experience other strong emotions, but gratitude was hit or miss.

After reading about gratitude’s incredible psychological benefits 20 years ago — and perhaps feeling a bit guilty — I decided to see if I could “improve,” with some of the popular advice of the time.

• I wrote down something I was theoretically grateful for each day.

• I concentrated on why that thing was wonderful to have.

…and I felt little or nothing, with less and less emotional resonance for particular things and people the more I concentrated on them. I gave up on the project after a few weeks.

Was I broken? Why was this so hard?

It turns out I was making a common gratitude mistake — the quickest way to generate gratitude for something is to consider not its presence, but its end.

A Thousand Little Ends

It wasn’t until I came across Stoicism — and particularly the Stoic focus on mementō morī, or “remember death,” — that I got my first hint of how we can shift our feelings and increase gratitude by changing our thoughts. Since then, death has become something I confront at least once a week.

But as I worked on mementō morī meditations, I realized death is but one end — the last. By neglecting life’s many other ends, I was robbing myself of positive emotion.

What sort of ends?

• One day we stop being children, teenagers, students, wild-and-free 20-somethings, and middle-aged people, and often move on from the activities and friends of those eras.

• We’ll take a last hike on our favorite trail, and dine at our favorite restaurant one final time.

• Every physical ability that’s brought us joy will atrophy. First we can’t maintain our 9-minute mile time any longer. A few decades later — no more sports. Eventually, no more walking. The brain too will decline.

• That clunker car serving us so loyally will sputter through its last mile.

• Our mentors will move on.

• Connections with parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, and romantic partners will be severed.

• We’ll read our children a last bedtime story, and hear about their crazy imaginary friends one final time.

Each of these future terminations is an opportunity for gratitude that’s already arrived. The end of all things is coming. The only question is if we’ll notice.

Mementō Fīnem

I coined the term “mementō fīnem” or “remember the ends” for myself. I try to keep it constantly in mind as I go through life. Whenever I feel numb to my greatest pleasures, little comforts, or the people around me, I remember how this might be my last exposure to them, and how much worse my life will be if they disappeared.

Often, we don’t know when a good thing will end. Like a thief, fate steals them from us without warning. If we blithely assume they’ll always be there, we don’t appreciate the most important things and remain unprepared for their loss.

You can be grateful for a mediocre, flawed parent when you consider what life would have been like without their support. A crappy job is better than not being able to support yourself or your family, and when we consider that, the work takes on a less dingy sheen.

Every meeting, every conversation, every hike takes on an emotional immediacy when it might be the last.

So remember the ends, because they’re always on their way.

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