The Final Commandments of Misery
Because wretchedness should never be half-assed.
Five is not enough, misery seeker. Implementors of the first commandments of misery have already noticed happiness and satisfaction draining from their world. Everything looks a little darker and sapped of meaning. The good things are dross. The saints are hypocrites.
But we’re not done yet. Stopping at five maintains a narrow crack through which happiness might find you. Fear not; we’re about to brick it up.
6) Thou Shalt Use Substances To Feel Good
Some utilize mood-altering chemicals under medical supervision, and others take drugs twice a year for spiritual purposes. This paucity of chemical intervention will never lead to real misery. It’s almost as bad as the straight-edgers!
Chant it with me now — if you feel bad, use a substance! Weekly may not be enough. Daily or twice daily is best.
If you’re not continuously utilizing exogenous chemicals to manage your mood, you may accidentally utilize proven psychological strategies or healthy coping mechanisms for mood management and end up content. That would land a mortal blow against misery.
If you’re intimidated by the misery heavy hitters like heroin, I suggest a gradual program to get there. Some of the most approachable misery-inducers can be started without breaking any laws: alcohol and pot. Even just once a month is a start. Try building up gradually to twice daily. Cigarettes are the icing on top.
7) Thou Shalt Not Focus
Since contentment and pleasure follow naturally from uninterrupted focus on worthwhile things, you must never be undistracted or unreachable. It’s never been easier to do this, but we shouldn’t leave it to chance:
Turn on all device notifications, keep TVs blaring, and never block out the chaos of the world with a void.
Never give yourself more than a few uninterrupted minutes of thinking time. Do not journal for clarity on your life.
Some say techniques exist to keep you from the misery-inducing dopamine pleasure pits that call to you. They do not. These are lies.
Rumors that attention is buildable muscle are unfounded. Scorn them openly! In fact, make sure you post about it on TikTok with much mockery and whining about your extenuating circumstances.
In spare moments, continuously scroll social media to ensure your attention is hacked and your dopamine system is overstimulated with regular bombardments.
8) Thou Shalt Have Strong Opinions:
Life constantly presents objective circumstances about which the human mind can have subjective opinions. Lean into that.
Some say we should remain skeptical about what we think we know. That way is not for you. Opinions should be hoarded, brought into your identity, and never revised under any circumstances.
The third precept on the Temple of Apollo at Delphi was “surety brings ruin,” and those ancient Greeks tended to know what they were talking about. Ruin is a great way to find misery, so be sure to be sure. Also, consider adopting a pet conspiracy theory or two.
Einstein said his best ideas came from “curiosity, concentration, perseverance, and self-criticism.” By self-criticism, he meant skepticism of his beliefs and testing and discarding his favorites when they failed to pass muster. As far as we can tell, Einstein was a happy and accomplished fellow, so let’s rule out that route, shall we?
9) Thou Shalt Be Spiritual Without Handcuffs
Many who’ve not yet discovered the misery-inducing utility of complete relativist nihilism are jumping onto a new fad: “I’m spiritual but not religious.”
Sign up for this trend immediately!
Some suspect religion keeps people happy. But the many happy irreligious people refute this assertion; it’s not required. Rather, one component of religion is the real danger: willingly handcuffing yourself to limit your scope of action.
You must never handcuff yourself with rules you willingly follow. Specifically:
Never limit your ability to do something enjoyable via handcuffs.
Spiritual paths offering guidance for transcendent experiences cut off from regular life will not limit misery, so go ahead. The real problem is doctrines that give you practical and prescriptive instructions for everyday living. If they restrain your ability to reach the sirens calling from the rocks, discard them and mock them openly as the stuff of peons.
If your doctrine provides an expanded perspective in which choices have significance beyond your mind, whether on a humanity-wide, earth-wide, or cosmic scale, there’s a risk it may invest your life with resonant meaning that would crush your nascent misery.
10) Thou Shalt Envy Thy Neighbor’s Successes.
I can’t recommend envy highly enough. If only we could bottle it and sell it! Consider Seneca.
“That man will never be happy whom the sight of a happier man will torment.”
— Seneca, On Anger 3.30.3
Seneca gives us great advice here. Misery will remain out of reach if you aren’t regularly jealous of the successes and good fortune of others. Rage-filled envy is even better.
Envy may be built into the human character, with some of us more prone to it than others. But like any skill, it can be learned. Here are some tips for fanning the flames of envy:
Never consider the vast swath of humanity that’s less fortunate and talented than you, but only those who have what you want.
Never consider the package deal. Many “successful” people lead miserable lives because they’re unbalanced. Do not look at their life in totality, but focus only on the distorted fantasy of it in your imagination.
Never consider the ugly side of what you want.
You must at all costs stay away from the jealous philosopher-poet Horace, who utilized JOMO (joy of missing out) and other ingenious measures to make himself love what he had instead of what he didn’t.
Your Misery Begins Now:
Misery is a path and a skill. Wherever you are in your journey, know that you can progress further and sink into deeper and deeper pits of despair.
Not everyone starts off miserable, but if you gradually ratchet up your adherence to these ten timeless rules the amount of happiness reaching you will atrophy until all hope is lost.
Oh…I’m sure you’re not foolish enough to make such an amateur mistake. But make sure you stay away from virtue too.
Thanks for reading Socratic State of Mind.
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I’m on it! I’m excited about the additional Commandments to accelerate my journey! I had a feeling of well-being during the week, which was definitely not comfortable.
With misery, thank you
Misery Masterclass. Hit me up when the lecture series starts!