The Five Commandments of Misery
Pursue ruin with certainty
I can suggest no universal path to happiness because we humans are a varied lot.
But a foolproof plan for misery? Childsplay. Humans are pathetically unoriginal in their unhappiness, insisting on casting themselves onto the rocks in the same old trite fashion.
Readers of history and biographies and those who simply observe those around them can’t help but notice the mistakes repeating. They stand out like glowing neon signs pointing the way to despair.
Misery seekers neglect these commandments at their peril. Ignore them and you may find happiness overtakes you against your will.
1) Thou Shalt Label Thyself:
Your identity should be crammed with as many labels as you can find. Team blue or team red? Cisgender or transgender? White collar or working class?
It almost doesn’t matter which you choose. Just pick a bunch of labels and build your identity around them. Each eats up cognitive maneuvering room by restricting what you can think about objectively. Since painful cognitive dissonance shocks us like a livewire whenever we critically probe our identity’s foundational labels, you’re guaranteed not to do it often.
The end result is the kind of negligent stupidity resulting in mistakes. Due to the power of compounding, a life of endless mistakes inevitably yields misery, no matter how many good things happen.
Conversely, even without good fortune, mistake minimization maintains your potential for happiness. Hope springs eternal — unless one of your labels says otherwise. So maybe add that one to your list?
2) Thou Shalt Scorn Awe
You must never experience awe on the road to misery.
As one researcher put it, awe can “restructure individuals' mental frames so deeply that it could be considered a therapeutic asset for major mental health issues, including depression.1”
We don’t want that, do we? So, stay out of nature, and don’t go outside much. Never look at the night sky or consider the incredible improbability of your existence. Exposing yourself to unbridled human altruism and goodness may cause regrettable inspiration and elevation.
Also, avoid awe-inducing art, and view only that which breeds nihilism.
3) Thou Shalt Not Avail Thyself of History
You must convince yourself that the only place with worthwhile ideas is now. The past is filled with racists and ignorant moral degenerates from a benighted age. They know nothing of your personal and societal struggles and have no solutions to offer. You are an original creation with completely original problems, a snowflake of despair.
Do not read old books.
Do not consider thoughts from old philosophers who’ve helped the miserable for millennia.
Mental mentors? No.
Since critical thinking in the now is also somewhat risky, even with your label-clouded mind, I suggest you seek advice on TikTok rather than doing your own thinking. When in doubt, go with what today’s majority thinks is right.
4) Thou Shalt Be Unreliable
If you were old enough to drive before cellphones, perhaps you’ve broken down on the side of the road in the middle of the night and wondered if the tow truck you called on a pay phone would come.
“They said they were coming, but that was two hours ago. Am I just wasting my time here?”
That’s the exact feeling of uncertainty and exasperation you should bring to every relationship, particularly the important ones. It will drive all but the most altruistic people with goals, high standards, and ethics from your life, leaving you with the rabble.
Have you made an appointment? Be late, or break it entirely. Signed a contract? Signatures means nothing. Promised anything to anyone? All promises are conditional.
The real risk is that reliability could compensate for the inescapable genetic deficits and misfortunes haunting us all. Negating those would deal a mortal blow to misery.
If you were foolish enough to recruit a mental mentor, they might set you straight. Rely only on yourself and your own ever-shifting standards:
5) Thou Shalt Go Down, Stay Down, And Complain
Catastrophizing is key. When experiencing the slightest setback or blow, fall and stay down. Whine a lot and roll around dramatically for effect. Make sure you convince yourself as well as onlookers of your suffering.
Do not, under any circumstances, exemplify the Stoic philosopher Epictetus’s look-on-the-brightside naivete. Epictetus had a hard life, but he fashioned a curious epitaph for his tombstone:
“Here lies Epictetus, a slave with a maimed body, mired in poverty, and favored by the gods2.”
Unlike Epictetus, the miserable cannot afford gratitude. Particularly, they must never be grateful for the hardest things to bear, since this would compromise their whole way of life.
Next Time
Did you think there were just five?
No, you miserable dogs! Five won’t do the job if you want to be truly wretched. Tune in next week for more.
Thanks for reading Socratic State of Mind.
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Chirico A and Gaggioli A (2021) The Potential Role of Awe for Depression: Reassembling the Puzzle. Front. Psychol.
Macrobius. Saturnalia, I.11.45
😂 hilarious and powerful.
Waiting on your next post about the other reasons I’m miserable is going to exasperate my misery…
Absolutely love this! Thank you.